Researchers suggests , when parents praise for effort rather than ability, children tend to become more motivated.
Survey reveals, when 50 countries were asked to report their guiding principles in life, the most mattered was caring not achievement.
Despite, teaching children kindness and to care is not a simple task at all.
Are some children simply good-natured?
Studies show , from 25% to 60% of our natural tendency in to be giving and caring is inherited.
That leaves us still some room to guide and raise our children being compassionate, kind, caring.
How can we as parents nurture our children more and what is a good way to go?
Compliment the behavior or the child?
Many parents compliment the behavior. So the child learns to repeat that behavior. This approach may be good under 3 years of age. Why? At this age the behavior is more important for the child. Their sense of identity is poor.
You want to get some help or task done? You can increase the big yes you want to hear, from 22% to 29% in children between 3 and 6 years old. Just encourage them to be a helper. Moral behaviors work better when used nouns than verbs at this age.
An experiment investigated what happens when we commend generous behavior versus generous characters. They praised 7 and 8 years old kids differently. For some of the children, they praised the action: "It was good that you gave some of your marbles to those poor children." And the others, they praised the character behind the action: "I guess you are the kind of person who likes to help others whenever you can."
A couple weeks later, the kids were faced with more opportunities to give and share, the children were much more generous after their character had been praised. It worked very well, because at this age, they are able to internalize it as a part of their identities. Overtime it can be come a part of us.
A simple other example for this age, if you want to cut cheating in half. You may say, "Please don't be a cheater rater than "Please don't cheat". When our actions become a reflection of our character, we lean more heavily toward the moral and generous choices.
Shame or guilt?
Praise in response to good behavior may be half the battle, but our responses to bad behavior have consequences, too. When children cause harm, they typically feel one of two moral emotions: shame or guilt.
Shame is the feeling that I am a bad person, whereas guilt is the feeling that I have done a bad thing. Shame is a negative judgment about the core self, which is devastating: Shame makes children feel small and worthless, and they respond either by lashing out at the target or escaping the situation altogether. In contrast, guilt is a negative judgment about an action, which can be repaired by good behavior. When children feel guilt, they tend to experience remorse and regret, empathize with the person they have harmed, and aim to make it right.
What do we want as a parent is that our children care about others, so we need to teach them to feel guilt rather than shame when they misbehave.
How does shame emerge? It arises when parents express anger, withdraw their love, or try to affirm their power through threats of punishments. The child begins to believe that he is a bad person.
So what is an effective response to bad behavior? It is to manifest disappointment. Disappointment communicates disapproval of the bad behavior. When you express disappointment, you will automatically explaining why the behavior was wrong, and how it affects others. You give your child a hint to judge his actions, his feelings, his responsibility for others. He develops a sense of moral identity.
One important message from all the above: If you don’t model generosity, preaching it may not help in the short run, and in the long run, preaching is less effective than giving while saying nothing at all.
“How can I know who I am until I see what I do?"